Back Pocket Coach Strategy #7: May I give you some feedback?

Delivering feedback is not an easy process, and it is even more challenging when the message is potentially negative.  Just the thought of this type of conversation commonly evokes emotional turmoil for both the giver and receiver. Frustrations with an employee, boss, colleague, or other that are not addressed can lead to apathy and an “it’s never going to change” mindset that demoralizes you and others. And, if the situation has existed for awhile, you may need more than one conversation to resolve it.

Also consider that the individual may have no clue there is a concern, because no one has really given him feedback. You or someone else might have hinted, but how clear was the message, and how self-aware is he?

In their book Thanks for the Feedback (2014), Stone and Heen encourage “creating pull” for receiving feedback as opposed to pushing through the resistance. The authors reinforce the value of creating pull for one’s own reflection and personal development.

Pulling or drawing someone into a conversation makes it easier to engage. It is also a smoother transition into a feedback conversation with them.

May I give you Feedback

So how can you deliver feedback with more ease and engage the individual in the conversation?

  1. Check your emotional readiness. What do you need to be at your best and ready?

  2. Create a safe environment for the conversation. Avoid open areas where others might overhear the exchange.

  3. Begin with the question, “May I give you some feedback?” Asking permission invites the individual into dialogue and offers him a choice to participate. It is a respectful way to gain agreement to proceed with the conversation, and it helps the person be more open to hearing what you have to say.

Remember, asking a question like “May I give you some feedback?” is an invitation into a conversation. When we give people a choice to engage, they will be more likely to participate and actually hear what we have to say.

Strategy # 8: Can we continue this conversation later?

another interruptionHave you ever been in the middle of a critical deadline when someone stops by to chat? Or racing to your next meeting and you hear, “Do you have a minute?” as your energy drains at the thought of yet another unexpected conversation. It’s difficult to say anything other than “sure” when you really want to scream, “No, can’t you see I’m busy!” When challenged with how to respond to interruptions, clients often refer to an open door policy - meaning immediate availability, no matter what. The all or nothing thinking that says, there is no other choice than to stop what I’m doing and handle the situation. Feeling no choice in the matter shuts down brain processing and sometimes even the ability to respond with anything other than the habitual “sure.”

How do you excuse yourself from the interruption while maintaining your relationship and rapport with the individual? You might say: “I’d like to continue this conversation, and right now isn’t going to work. When are you next available to talk?” Think about the typical interruptions in your day, and consider a few variations of “Can we continue this conversation later?” You might practice these with trusted colleagues or a coach so you’re prepared to respond in a way that supports positive relationships and rapport and sets the tone for mutual respect instead of frustration.

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Strategy #8 “Can we continue this conversation later?”